Avoid the Trap of Either/Or Thinking.
One of the topics that comes up most frequently during my coaching sessions with both life coaching and leadership coaching clients is the dilemma of having to choose between two finite options.
For example, they believe they need to either quit their job and pursue their passion OR stay in their seemingly meaningless job forever.
They believe they need to either address the conflict on their team and be perceived as an insensitive jerk OR avoid it and maintain their self-perception of being approachable and kind.
To what extent have you found yourself believing or feeling something similar?
Everything around us suggests there are only two options, and we can only choose one and we MUST choose one. We must pick sides. And, there’s only one right choice and if we make the wrong choice, then we’re perceived as wrong or bad or unacceptable.
What if we have been culturally habituated to buy into a never ending series of false dichotomies?
According to dictionary.com, a false dichotomy is:
“A logical fallacy in which a spectrum of possible options is misrepresented as an either-or choice between two mutually exclusive things.”
What might become possible if there was a third option?
What if as a leader, you could be both kind AND directive? What if you could start your side hustle AND keep your current job?
When we move beyond either/or thinking, we unlock infinite possibilities.
Below, I propose 3 antidotes to either/or thinking.
Antidote #1: Identify the third option.
From a brain science perspective, our brain has a tendency to believe whatever stories we tell it. There are billions of inputs coming at our brain at any given moment and in order to filter through all those inputs and identify which are worth noticing, our brain heavily relies on what we tell it to believe.
Once we tell our brain a story, it then looks for data points to support that story and ignores or simply doesn’t see data points that refute the story.
When we tell our brain there are only two options, we limit our brain’s ability to see any other option.
Conversely, when we tell our brain there could be another option, we immediately give our brain permission to consider alternatives.
One of the most common false dichotomies my clients experience is the belief that they either need to quit their job to find meaning and purpose or stay stuck in their seemingly meaningless role forever.
Holding on to this belief creates a variety of unpleasant feelings, e.g., anxiety, a sense of stuckness, and resentment towards their job.
What might a third option look like? Here are some to consider:
Making a list of all the things that interest you and choosing one to spend even just a couple hours a week on outside work for no other reason than you enjoy it.
Start a low-effort side hustle by doing something you enjoy and sharing with your network that you could do that thing for them too.
Volunteer to do a project for a department in your organization you’re interested in. This is a win/win because everyone can use extra resources and you would create an opportunity to expand your network and add to your resume.
Propose to your manager that you take on a project that would add value to your team or department while also expanding a skillset you can monetize later on.
Here’s an example of what this looks like outside of work:
When my husband and I purchased our current home, the inspector noted there was only one electrical plug under our kitchen sink. He let us know that in order to run our dishwasher, we would need to unplug our garbage disposal, otherwise the garbage disposal would be running the whole time the dishwasher was running.
The inspector concluded we would either need to get a second electrical outlet installed OR go back and forth between the dishwasher and garbage disposal. With that in mind, we got multiple quotes for installing a new outlet, which would have resulted in up to $2,000 of work.
The unchecked assumption underlying these two options was that we wanted and/or needed to keep both the dishwasher and the garbage disposal.
One day, it occurred to me that we don’t even like using the garbage disposal. The question then arose, why don’t we just remove it and then there wouldn’t even be a problem? With that in mind, we brought in a plumber who removed the garbage disposal, re-routed our pipes, and reconnected our dishwasher. Problem solved for $200 and zero holes in our wall.
Often, our belief that it has to be either this way or that way is founded on an unchecked assumption of what we want or need. When we hold that assumption up to the light, we often see the assumption isn’t true, or perhaps is only partially true. When we set aside the assumption and see what is actually true, then we open up the possibility that other options can exist.
False dichotomies claim there are only two options. If a third option exists, then the idea of only two options becomes invalid.
If a third option can exist, then infinite options can exist.
Reflection Point:
Think about a decision you’re currently considering. What are the two most obvious options? What are the assumptions underlying those options? How true are those assumptions? Say out loud, “there is always a third option”. What other options come to mind?
Antidote #2: Consider the idea of a dial.
When either/or thinking is applied in a relational context at work, it often looks like this:
I have to be either tyrannical and dictatorial OR kind and accommodating.
I have to be either a micro-manager OR completely hands off.
I have to be either completely empowering OR completely directive.
When it comes to demonstrating leadership characteristics, it can be helpful to think about the idea of a dial. With a dial, we can vary the volume and intensity of a particular characteristic depending on what best serves the situation.
Consider the following dials:
When you have team members who are new to the team, it may make sense to be higher on the directive dial, because the new person doesn’t necessarily know what they’re doing yet. Conversely, when you have a highly competent team, it likely better serves you and your team to be closer to the empowering side of that dial.
Sometimes we make up false dichotomies in which neither extreme serves us. For example, it likely rarely serves you or your team to be either a micro-manager or completely hands-off. What would a 5 on that dial look like?
We also may have experienced a particular type of leadership we didn’t prefer and subsequently over-rotated in the other direction, believing the only way to not become the leader we didn’t like was to behave in the opposite way.
When we think about it from the perspective of a dial, we give ourselves permission to be dynamic and recognize we don’t have to over-rotate in any particular direction out of a fear of becoming the extreme version of what we don’t want to be. We also increase our capacity to tap into our inner wisdom to ascertain what would best serve our desired outcomes in any given situation.
Reflection Point:
What is a characteristic you’ve seen a leader demonstrate in the past that you know you do not want to emulate? What would it look like to put that characteristic on a dial, where their version of the characteristic was a 10, and the opposite was a 1? What would a 3 look like? What would a 7 look like?
What is a leadership characteristic you tend to emphasize? What would it look like to slightly turn down the volume or intensity of that characteristic? In which situations would a 4 on the dial serve you? In which situations would an 8 on the dial serve you?
Antidote #3: Embrace the Both/And.
I have a 5 year old son, and he teaches me the idea of the both/and every day. In a world that says he has to choose between blue and pink, cars or princesses, being empathetic or being aggressive, he refuses to choose one over the other. In his sweet innocence, he chooses both.
We can feel both joy and sorrow at the same time, without one negating the other.
We can genuinely celebrate another person who got something we wanted even as we hold disappointment or grief for ourselves for not getting that same thing quite yet.
We can rationally believe something is true at the same time our gut instinct is telling us to believe something else.
There can be a part of us that wants one thing, while another part of us wants something seemingly contradictory.
Both can be true at the same time.
When we deny the seemingly conflicting feelings and experiences and parts of ourselves, we tend to get stuck. We tend to tangle up all the thoughts and feelings into a seemingly intractable ball that makes us feel anxious and confused.
The invitation is to untangle the ball, separate each thought and feeling so it stands on its own, next to your other, distinct thoughts and feelings. Once you’re able to see each one clearly, it’s much easier to determine their relative strength, importance, and truth. Sometimes you’ll find they all feel equally true. Other times you’ll find one rises to the top as the most true.
Once you’re able to see clearly, you can hold space for all the thoughts and feelings and experiences to simply exist as they are and you can consciously choose which to prioritize in any given moment.
When we untangle our thoughts and feelings, we’re also able to see where we have conflicting wants and needs. Once we see that, we gain an understanding of why we’ve been keeping ourselves stuck in the same habits that frustrate us.
For example, I consistently hear from my clients that they want to go to bed earlier so they can wake up earlier. They feel frustrated at themselves for spending time at night doing seemingly meaningless things instead of going to bed when they theoretically want to.
When they disentangle their thoughts and feelings and make space for the both/and, they realize they are staying up late because that’s the only time they have for themselves all day.
The part of them that needs that time will not allow them to go to bed early because it understandably believes staying up late is the only way it can get what it needs. The disentangling process allows them to see they want both a restful night’s sleep AND time for themselves. When they realize this, they can start making more conscious choices around how to get both needs met instead of trying to force an outcome that serves one part of them while hurting a different part.
Reflection Point:
What is a situation you’re feeling a bit tangled up about? Make a list of all the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing without judging any of them. Acknowledge that each of the things on the list feel true, even if they contradict each other. Go through that list and notice what needs underlie each thought and feeling.
Need help overcoming either/or thinking? Set up a complimentary discovery call to hear what it might look like to work together.
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Jessica Skupien, PCC is an ICF-credentialed Life & Leadership Coach who helps people identify and overcome self-limiting beliefs so they can become effective, inspired, and inspiring leaders in both their professional and personal lives.
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